TRADITIONS

Writing Your Own Wedding Vows

• Tom Hirsch • Season 2019 • Episode 6

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TRADITIONS

Podcast Show Notes

Date: Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Episode:   006

Title:   TRADITIONS

Subtitle:      Writing Your Own Wedding Vows

Length:            00:15:59

Final Show Link:   http://TRADITIONS.buzzsprout.com

The prospect of writing your own vows can be daunting. Here –– we’ll take some of the mystery out of the effort and encourage you to be the best that you can be.

 If you are a new listener to TRADITIONS, we would love to hear from you.  Please visit our Feedback@YourSpecialDay2.com and let us know how we can help you today!

 In this episode we discuss:

●      Why you should write your own vows

●      How you should approach the project

●      What will make it successful


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This episode’s question is:

Q.        Did you write your own vows?

Q.        What would you add to today’s discussion>

In this episode, we mentioned the following resources:

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Episode #:                                               006

Publication Date:                               April  18, 2019

Episode Length:                                  00:15:59

Host:                                                      Tom Hirsch

URL:                                                       http://TRADITIONS.buzzsprout.com

Show Transcript:                                       www.Your-Special-Day.net/TRADITIONS/

Your Comments:                                       Tom@Your-Special-Day.net

. . . . . . and welcome to Episode #6 of TRADITIONS. Today I’m sitting here with a long list of countries from which to draw our next discussion - - - - - and I just can’t make up my mind where to go next! Perhaps you’ll help. Send suggestions to  Tom@Your-Special-Day.net What should be our next destination country?  Episode #5 found us in Israel.

I read an article this week about prepping for a podcast; how tiring and time-consuming it can be. They’re not kidding! I don’t just wake up one morning with flashes of insight. Well - - - sometimes I do. But more often it’s hours of research and study for every show.  This started me thinking about the fatigue and frustration inherent in so many of life’s activities.

For example –– I have a seventeen-year-old grandson getting ready for college. He’s wrestling with questions like:  Where should I apply? Where will I be accepted? What should I study? Following all those decisions comes the quandary over living arrangements, finances and location; employment and career advancement; and someday –– marriage?  Most of us know the stresses of engagement and planning a wedding.

Then come the questions of children and decisions about raising a family - - - often balanced against devotion to parents - - - on BOTH sides. And the day will come for role-reversal when the child becomes caregiver and guardian. And life goes on.

One of the decisions engaged couples face all the time is whether to write their own wedding vows. Overwhelming as it can be, it's well worth the effort. It's a chance to tell your story, give guests a peek into what makes your relationship tick, and to share meaningful, sweet words with the person you love. It's also intimate — you're really baring your heart to your fiancé, and you're doing so in front of your family and friends. So, let’s spend some time considering the question.

Some important first steps you’ll take together:

  •      Agree upon the breadth and depth of your vows. Will they be long or short? This isn’t a competition to see who can draw the most tears. It’s an intimate moment you’ll share before family and friends, but it’s not time for “True Confessions.”
  •      Agree on the solemnity of your vows. Will they be light-hearted and cheerful; sweet, thought-provoking and intimate; religious or secular?
  •      Finally –– agree on whether you’ll develop your vows together, in unison; or will you choose to write independently and offer your most intimate thoughts to each other for the first time as you’re standing at the altar, staring into the eyes of your soulmate.

To address some of these questions - - - and others - - - let’s agree on what marriage vows are. Wikipedia suggests:

Marriage vows are promises each partner in a couple makes to the other during a wedding ceremony based upon Western Christian norms. They are not universal to marriage and not necessary in most legal jurisdictions. They are not even universal within Christian marriage, as Eastern Christians do not have marriage vows in their traditional wedding ceremonies. 

This hints at the fact that there are, legally, only two essential elements in a wedding ceremony:  a free-will statement of intent by the couple (“I Do”) and an official declaration of marriage by the officiant. All the rest is “frosting on the cake.”

Think of writing your wedding vows as an opportunity to add a “personal touch” to your ceremony; it’s the first time you get to publicly commit yourself to your partner before your closest family and friends. But, how do you know where to start? The key is to write from the heart. 

Here are some questions you should ask yourself to help get the “creative juices” flowing.

  •      Why am I marrying this person?
  •      What makes your relationship special?
  •      How can I be better?
  •      What can't your partner live without?
  •      What can you promise only to your special someone?
  •      When did you know for sure?

Let’s think about these questions.

What makes your beloved special? What about them makes you smile? What did they do to win your undying love and devotion? While you’re contemplating these questions, think about what it is that makes your relationship so special. Are the two of you “The Perfect Match”?         If so - - - - Why?

But –– don’t leave yourself out of the equation. One of the phrases I love in many of the ceremonies I officiate is:  “You must not only MARRY the right partner; you must also BE the right partner.” So, ask yourself, “What does this mean to me? What can I do to be the best husband or wife I can be?” And then start putting into words what it is you want to promise your beloved you intend to do to “be all that you can be.” This is getting at why you’re going to want to re-read your wedding vows, either together or in private, many, many times over the years that follow.

Next, give some thought to what it is that your partner truly enjoys as an individual; what few things are most important to them - - - personally. These are the elements of their life that you’re joining and you’ll need to integrate into your life together. I’ve always felt that one of the biggest mistakes any person can make going into a marriage is thinking that they will “work on helping their partner to be a better person by showing them how and why they ought to change to make you a happier person!” If you think you’re going to facilitate such a change to your way of thinking after the wedding, you’re in for a long row to hoe and a lot of disappointment and grief. Rest assured - - - anything you have trouble living with in your partner today will be magnified many times over the years to come.

Think of all the people you interact with in your life:  your family; your friends; you colleagues. There are things you will do willingly for each category of human endeavor –– and some things you won’t do. What are the special things you will do for your partner in life? What is it that you know will bring a smile to their face? This is the nature of what you might include in your vows.

Finally –– when did the light come on & the bell ring that you knew this would be your partner for life? Chances are it was not a simultaneous revelation –– more like an awakening. This is fodder for the intimate things you should share with your beloved at this very special moment in your lives.

Concentrate on including in your vows how the two of you will meld your lives together into a style that’ll be richly rewarding and fulfilling for each of you as a person and both of you as a couple.

Here is, perhaps, the best summation of wedding vows I’ve ever heard:

Vows are inherently forward-looking statements. They're about what's going to happen down the line, not in the moment. Imagine what you want your future to look like. Then write your wedding vows towards that vision. Make a vow for every decade of your life. Make a subset of vows for how you'll promise to act when you're old and decrepit. Vows are wishes. They're dreams of what your future will be.

Okay!  You’ve decided to be creative. I hope it didn’t take too long. Creative writing can come as a wave or just a slow leak. Don’t force it! But allow yourself plenty of time. Wedding vows are not something you want to leave to the last minute. And “writer’s block” is a very real occurrence. 

Embrace the idea of multiple drafts and exhaustive editing. Start out making lists of all your thoughts and feelings. Do this in a quiet, secluded place where you can be alone and reflect upon your courtship, your wedding, and your future together.

Don’t worry about grammar, spelling, sentence structure and the like. This is a time for collecting your thoughts. Development comes later.

It’s also a time to express your love for one another; your never-ending support and devotion to your mate, and your acknowledgement that you’re in this together along with the support and encouragement of your loved ones listening to your promises.

Admit your understanding of life’s cyclical nature. Make only the promises you can keep. Don’t try to cover everything –– knowing that you’re both imperfect.

Avoid superlatives and infinitives like “best” and “eternally.” Don’t fear humor –– laughter in good for the soul. And don’t avoid the personal stuff for fear of derision. This is your wedding –– make it meaningful to the two of you. Sentimentality is welcome and expected –– but don’t get mushy.

Study the vows of others. The internet is LOADED with examples. I once heard it said, “There hasn’t been an original thought spoken in eons –– just clever expressions of the same ideas.”

Practice reading your vows in front of a mirror. Ask a trusted friend to listen to you and make suggestions. Mark up your written script with pauses and intonation. (I’ll include a sample of how I do it with the transcript of this show posted on our web site.)               Then - - - - - Practice!  Practice!  Practice!

Some pundits say to always keep your vows a secret from your partner until your wedding day. That’s fine if you’re so inclined. But don’t keep them secret from your officiant. 

I prepare a keepsake wedding ceremony booklet for use on your wedding day which I present to the bridal couple after the ceremony. For couples writing their own vows I always encourage them to send the final draft of their vows to me so I can include those pages into the booklet. I have a special way of printing their vows so I can hand them to the groom and bride to read. It’s my belief that the couple has enough matters on their mind as their special day approaches without having to be concerned about memorizing their vows. It’s perfectly acceptable to read the vows to your mate and the officiant is the perfect place for the vows to reside until they’re needed.

So!  Go for it!  Don’t be bashful!  Nobody –– but NOBODY –– is better at writing your wedding vows than you. Take your time - - - have fun - - - make memories.

One way to structure your wedding vows:

Jane, each of us has had quite a journey in our lives so far. / I feel so blessed to have found you as my partner and best friend. / I love you, and choose to share all of life’s blessings, / challenges, joys, and sorrows with you. / 

As your husband, I promise to nurture you, / to be kind and patient, forgiving and faithful. / 

I promise to honor our differences and to learn from them. / 

I will encourage you and stand by you in our life together, / and will grow with you in the shelter of our love. / 

I promise you this with my heart and soul. / 

I vow to you before our families and friends, / to dedicate myself to our marriage, our friendship, and our love.

Resources:

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/15-questions-to-ask-before-writing-your-wedding-vows 

https://www.brides.com/story/guide-to-writing-your-own-wedding-vows